Dragon Quest 4 - Prayers

The princess' march was now over, after her long journey with the hero to save the world.  The Chosen Ones were now back home, lead here by the celestial being himself.  The adventure was over and now, each one of the eight companions were back at their old lives.  King Stepen was of course happy to see his daughter back, and alive.  Even if he did see his over-protectiveness, he still felt that Alena needed some guiding.  But he didn't say a word about how she ran away from the castle, disobeying him.  Instead, he only took her in his arms, kissing her everywhere on her face.  He never asked her about her adventures, but he gladly listened to her tales, whenever she wanted to tell them.  After all, he admired her greatly now.  He was proud that his daughter was a brilliant martial artist and helped the hero to save the world.  She even saved their own castle!  She wasn't a baby anymore, she was a real woman, and even if she wasn't as feminine as he wished for... He was okay with it.  If she wanted to fight, then she could do it.  She was able to, she had the strength for it.

The King also congratulated the magician, Borya, and the priest, Kiryl.  Borya had a long talk with the king, but nothing happened after.  Everything went back to normal, rebuilding the castle, living like how things were before.  The magician helped King Stepen, went back to tutoring the princess, teaching her sciences, but not geography, practising magic...

As for Kiryl... he was just a young student, a future priest, the Father's apprentice.  Maybe, probably, he could be a priest now, but with the current Father...  Sure, he could just leave the castle... easier said than done!  He just had to wait for the Father to retire, to... die, so that he could take over his place, and himself get an apprentice, spending the rest of his life here...

Did he want that life?  Did he want to be here, as a priest... He just couldn't leave this place.  He just didn't want to.  He couldn't want it.

― "Kiryl, why are you a priest?" asked Alena.  The young adult looked at her, with her head resting on her arms, laying on the table.  What an unfitting posture for a princess!  She was probably sleeping in her lessons with Borya, just like before!  One would think that after a year of travelling, being in dangerous situations, on the verge of dying, she would get wiser, but apparently, it didn't change anything.  Then he realized that he was almost laying on the table too.  He straightened his back, crossing his arms, lowering his head a little.

― "I believe in the Goddess, I have much faith in her, and that is enough for me to want to be close to her." he said (he lied ― he didn't know), looking away.  "But why a priest?" replied Alena as quickly as possible, as he sighed.  The blue haired man looked back at her.  Her big raspberry eyes were imploring him to give her an answer, crying to get the truth from her best friend.  A good answer, an answer that would tell her what will happen of them.  Unfortunately for the auburn tomboy, he had nothing.

― "I don't know..." He looked at her again; she looked hurt.  "I..." He had to find an answer.  Not...  Not just because she asked for one.  Because he needed one.  He needed to know why he was here, why he was still doing it, even if it made him sad, even if it hurt him. "I never thought about it, I was only six when I got sent here and Father took me in apprenticeship. All I wanted was to be with the Goddess, in the righteous guidance."

He checked for a reply, but she was hiding her face in her arms.  She was totally silent, not moving at all, closing herself from him.  Sure, she had heard him, but... it wasn't the answer she wanted.  He knew what she wanted him to say, but he couldn't do it.  It wasn't as simple as she thought it would be.  

He didn't want to be here.  He... didn't want to be like this.  He didn't want to be the promising cleric, the best healer of the region, the mere bodyguard of the princess, her simple best friend.  It wasn't like he wasn't glad to help people, to protect the princess, to be with her, to be her confident, but now... now that things changed, it was too hard for him.  That's why he was so scared that night, even if his dreams  were now real.  It was because it got too real.  It wasn't a mere fantasy anymore.  And the princess couldn't understand that ― or maybe it was as hard for her?

― "I'm sorry..." sighed Kiryl, then quickly rushed to the door, leaving the princess' room.  He waited in front of her door, in case she would run after him, or cry, but he didn't hear anything.  He was almost sad that she didn't go after him, but he had to be realistic there; it was better like that.  It was better for them to be just friends.  She was a princess, he was but a priest.  He wasn't suppose to love her.  Not like that.  At best, he could be a brother for her ― and most of the castle saw him like that too.  The others saw him as her bodyguard, her servant, her confidant.  Some people did knew about his real feelings, he was sure of that.  Safe people, happily enough.  He wasn't sure that King Stepen even knew his name, and that was for the best.  If... if he knew the things he did to her daughter...
He would be dead.

― "Bishop Kiryl?" The priest jumped and looked on his left; a maid was looking at him, puzzled to why he was blocking the way to Alena's room.  "Y-yes, I-I'm sorry, I-I was just.. never mind." said the shy priest, pulling on his green hat to cover his eyes while walking away.  A sudden green flash pulled on him, on his sword, quickly and strongly, and Kiryl had to grab a column to not fall on his back.

― "Master Borya!?" yelled the young blue haired man with surprise, as the old man in his green cloak appeared in front of him.

― "I mind, so tell me what you were doing in the young lady's room!" said the old magician with his sharp rusty voice, with authority.  Kiryl looked at him with confused eyes, almost shocked ― he could hurt himself there! He made him panic just to ask him that?  What was he, crazy?  This damn old fool!  He― urgh!

― "Why don't you just ask her, huh?" replied the priest with on an aggressive tone.  Stupid old man, he was in no mood to talk with this unbeliever!  Such a traitor to religion, teaching Alena that priests were brainwashing the people just to get their money!  It was probably why Alena couldn't understand why he was a priest, now.  Why he was following rules like that.  They couldn't understand that people need hope and that they had faith in the clergy!  Kiryl pushed firmly the magician aside, but not strong enough to pushed him down.  Ignoring him, he rushed to the stairs, fleeing in his room.

― "Did they had a fight?" asked the maid to Borya, about the princess and her bodyguard.  It wasn't the first time that both youngsters had fights, especially on silly things, and they wouldn't talk to each others for a week.  After all, Alena was proud and was slow to admit her mistakes, and even if Kiryl was the most loyal to her, he always stood to his point.

― "Nah..." said the old tutor, looking at the stairs distantly.  He could guess what was the matter between these two.  He was one of the few people to know about Kiryl's true feelings ― it was so obvious, after all... or for people who saw these two together ― and... he was the only one who knew that Alena responded to these feelings.  He wasn't really for that, because of the consequences, but he let that go.  After all, it wasn't up to him to deal with this.  It was their own matter.  "The young lad just doesn't like me and how I keep making fun of him.  He gets too cautious with me around.  That's all."

---

Now back in his room, behind the castle's church, the young defeated priest went to his desk.  Sitting down, placing his elbows on the hard wood, joining his hands in prayer, he lowered his head, talking to his Beloved Goddess in his mind.

Kiryl could only pray.  It was the only thing he had ever learned, and in any case, if there was one thing to do, it was to pray.  Pray and hope that things would get better.  He saw his reflection in the mirror, right in front of him ― the loyal apprentice, the perfect student.  The only thing he could think of then was "Is my face a pleasure for my Tsarverna?  Surely she would prefer a manlier face..."

He then realized that even in his prayers, he could only think of her.
Just... Why?  Why did he prefer her to the almighty Goddess?

― "O most Beloved...  Please guide your lost sheep in his struggles!" cried the bishop in desperation.  "Please..."
Please what?  What kind of guidance did he seek?  He couldn't pray to get her to notice him anymore, it was already done.  He did once pray to get over this silly love, but like Borya said, it wasn't a simple crush.  It lasted too long for that.  Why did he want Alena to notice him before?  He only wanted an answer from her, he guessed...  To know if she would reject her or if she would love him...

And now he knew the answer.  He should be happy, but he wasn't.  It wasn't like he wasn't happy with that answer.  It was the answer he had dreamed of.  She loved him too...

Well, it wasn't like she told him directly, but she showed him, that night.
And what if it wasn't love?  Did she do that only because... for some other reason?
But then, why was she so sad that they had to get back to simple friends, and never talk about it, hiding the fact they had that night to others, even Borya?  Unless she wanted more nights like that?  But then, she wouldn't be sad that he was only a priest, that he didn't want to hug her when there was other people around.  And she would had ask him to come around at night, and wouldn't ask him about his faith when they were alone.  She would just jump on him.
Right?

Yeah... with such a night, it was too obvious that they were more than best friends, and it wasn't just for a certain passion.  Even if she's... fiery, and... that he... expected her to be... fiery, um...
He blushed and hided his face in his hands.
Alena was still gentle back then.  Maybe it was because he had this terrible fever a couple of weeks before...

Or maybe there was no "maybe".  No reasons.  That she did it only because she just loved him too.

Why suddenly it was so wrong to love her?  He knew it before, but back then, it was just a fantasy.  Even the Father told him: "It is natural to admire the person with who you spend all your time.  Everybody wants to protect the person they consider has their family.  We all get worried about our friends.  It is a pure love.  You want only the best for her, yes?  Why wouldn't you?"

Kiryl wasn't sure that the Father understood his real feelings...  He wasn't just concerned about her.  He was seeing her face in the Goddess' image.  He could never stop thinking about her, and not just in a friendly way.  He was always scared of himself, because he could see himself doing things that weren't friendly.  But most people only thought that he was worried of her tomboy attitude.  No, the reason why he left the castle, running after her when she broke her wall wasn't because he was worried that she would hurt herself, or die at the hands of demons.

It was because he couldn't support the thought of being away from her.  To not see her every day.  He never thought that she would get hurt, he only thought that he would die if he couldn't see Alena's face for a long time.  That his soul would shatter in thousands of pieces if he couldn't hear her voice.  That he would be lost forever if he had no chance to talk to her.

He just had to admit it; he loved her.  He wanted to be in her arms, to caress her cheek, to bite her neck, to explore every part of her body, to kiss her skin.
To just say "I love you."

But priests weren't suppose to love someone else than the Goddess.  Loving the princess was taking him away of the most Beloved.  It was corrupting his soul, tainting his heart, killing him slowly.  He wasn't suppose to love her.  He wasn't suppose to see her in such a way.  It had to be friendly at most.  He was just supposed to look at her, to make sure she was okay, on the right way, not giving herself in immoral ways, taking the right decisions.
How he was suppose to do that if he couldn't even do it for himself?

― "Please, O almighty Goddess, put me back on the right way..."